I wish when I shrugged my shoulders , the word "shrug" would flash adjacent to my body.

Tuesday 6/18/2013
8 37pm
 
He dumped me.
He took me back because he felt bad for me.
We went to the beach for a week.
It was meant to be a fresh start.
I thought everything was fine.
The day after we got back, he ended it.
We had even fooled around earlier in the day.
We were cute.
And then BAM I don't love you anymore.
He told me the only feelings he had left for me were nothing more than friendship.
It feels like my heart was ripped out and stomped on.
I keep replaying No AIr, Bleeding Love, and Nothing Compares to You.
It isn't healthy but I can't stop.
I know I need to eat but I'm not hungry.
I've been crying on and off all day.
The worst was the last hug.
I didn't want to let go.
I sobbed into his chest for I don't know how long.
He wants to stay friends but I don't think I can do that for a long time.
I'll always have that hope that he'll want me back;
Or want to kiss him.
The other worst part is the pain in my chest.
And the one person I need is the one I can't.
I want him to hold me and tell me everything is okay.
But it isn't.
I deleted all the pictures of him from my phone.
And all the texts I saved.
This is killing me.
He is the one person I talk to everyday.
I spend most of my time at his house.
I made him my everything.
Another worst part is if he someday realizes he wants me back, I will in a heartbeat.
I just miss him.
I love him.
I'm sad.
I hate everything.
I am so pathetic.
Yay I'm crying again.
Now I'm going to make a breakup song playlist.
Leave suggestions in the comments?

Friday 6/14/2013
5 04pm
 
Sorry for the lack of activity.
The wifi at the beach blows.
Also, don't worry, I'm working on my BOTBG set.
Anyways.
So I'm at the beach til Sunday.
It's technically senior week but I haven't really seen any of my friends.
And I haven't partied at all.
Its been fun though.
Well, except that Zac already ran out of money.
And we ran out of food today.
Sam and John came down Wednesday and left like an hour ago.
It was nice to have a girl around for a change.
I bought a slutty shirt.
We had a weird adult truth or dare night.
I got a sunburn, big surprise.
Hopefully it'll turn into a nice tan.
Me and Zac have been getting along fairly well.
Better than I thought we would.
He bought me the prettiest necklace.
It's this opal heart.
I haven't gone in the ocean very far or long.
It is freezing, and I am a little afraid of creatures.
We ate at a seafood buffet, Phillips Crab House.
It was amazing.
I wish I lived by the beach.

Saturday 6/8/2013
 
He was ready to be done.
He didn't want to work things out.
I think that's what hurts the most.
I think the only reason we're still together is because I begged for a second chance.
I couldn't handle the thought of losing him.
He agreed to a fresh start without all the bullshit.
But now there's a new problem.
I am terrified.
All the time.
What if he decides to end it again?
I can't keep doing this.
I need him.
He's all I have.
But now I have the constant worry that he doesn't want me.
Or that he only stayed with me because he felt sorry for me.
Or that he's just waiting for another day to end it again.
I'm torn on whether or not to tell him.
I just want us to be happy like I know we can be.
I honestly believe we are really great together.
I don't want to worry anymore.
I just want him to love me.
I know he does.
But I want to be sure that being together is what he wants.
Not just what I want.
 
In other news there is none.
I might be going to see the Purge tonight.
And on Monday me and Zac leave for the beach.
I'm bringing my laptop so I can still make sets and stuff.
Hopefully this trip brings us back together.
On the other hand it could rip us apart.
Anyways.
Law and Order SVU and America's Next Top Model marathons are on.
Sigh.
I'm tired and bored.

Saturday 6/8/2013
 
I was tagged by @katticusmac :)
 
A - AVAILABLE: No. Hopefully it stays that way.

B – BIRTHDAY: July 10th

C - CRUSHING ON: Jennifer Lawrence

D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: Coke

E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: Zac. He's my other half.

F - FAVOURITE SONG: This changes all the time but probably Sugar We're Going Down by Fall Out Boy.

G - GUMMY BEARS OR GUMMY WORMS: Sour Gummy Worms.

H – HOMETOWN: Lancaster, Pa. I've lived here all my life. I need to get out, but I know I'll be back.

I - IN LOVE WITH: Zac. He stole my heart and I won't get it back.

K - KILLED SOMEONE: Only in my head.

L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: I went to Disney World like three times with my grandparents. It was a two day car ride with their weird music and constant talking.

M - MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: I prefer strawberry smoothies.

N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: One younger sister.

O - ONE WISH: To leave college with little debt, a job, and to keep things going with Zac.

P - PERSON THAT CALLED YOU LAST: Maggie.

R - REASON TO SMILE: I am going to the beach next week.

S - SONG YOU LAST SANG: Song Away by Hockey

T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 8 30 am to go to work.

U - UNDERWEAR COLOUR: Black lace.

V - VEGETABLE: Cucumber or lettuce.

W - WORST HABIT: Putting the blame on anything or anyone but myself.

X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD: Just on my teeth.

Y - YEARS LIVING WHERE YOU LIVE: Almost 19.

Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Cancer.
 
Favourite animal: Kittens.

What colour do you wear most?: Grey.

Least favourite colour : Orange.

What are you listening to : Weak Man by Good Old War

Can you whistle?: Not at all.

Do you believe in miracles?: Sometimes.

Do you believe in magic?: Yes.

Love at first sight?: No.

Do you believe in Santa?: No

Do you like roller coasters?: Very much so.

Have you ever been on a plane?: No.

Have you ever been to the ocean?: Yes.

What was the last thing you bought?: A swimsuit.

What was the last thing on TV you watched?: America's Next Top Model.

Do you cry when you get an injury?: Sometimes.

Do songs make you cry?: Not usually.

Are you a happy person?: I try to be. I think I lean towards cynical though.

What is your current hair colour?: Auburn.

Your eye colour?: Brown.

Short or long hair?: Medium.

Height?: 5'4
 
WHAT TO DO:
Fill out these questions and make a new set called 'ABC About Me Quiz,' then tag 20 people. If I tagged you, you have to take this survey and re-post it, but only if you want! Don't forget to tag me because I want to know more about you!
 
Tagging:
@kathyaalrust
@graceegrace
@gingerpopppy
@jesuisremy
@mumsflower
@gagacouture
@wonderfulmermaid
@kois
@bluesparkles121212
@moonlit-night
@heartb3at
@sophie-eloise
 
Sorry if you've gotten this tag before.

I have now officially graduated high school.
It wasn't as bad as I thought.
The whole time all I could think was 'Is this it?',
Instead of 'This is it.'
I didn't trip.
Zac almost ended it with me again.
I asked for a fresh start and another chance.
This time was my fault.
I wasn't treating him right.
And I haven't been myself.
It needs to work this time.
When I picture myself in five years, it's with him.
When we're good, we're great.
And when we fight it's terrible.
I do this thing where I always blame everyone but myself.
I need to stop.
I can't handle going through this again.
I cried all morning.
Now I have a crying headache.
I don't know.

Oops. I hit publish but I typed this out.
Anyways.
I don't think me and Zac are going to last much longer.
I can't do this.
I am so sick of having to wait on him constantly.
We had plans today and he blew them off.
All I wanted was to spend the day with him;
Just the two of us.
We haven't had one of those in a long time.
And instead of just asking me and checking our plans, he goes off without me.
And then tells me to wait three hours until he's back.
No.
I told him I wasn't coming over anymore.
He told me to have a good day.
I said he was too late for that.
Because it is.
My day is ruined.
And he said well fu'ck you then.
F'uck me?
Me?
Really?
I'm the one who makes all the efforts to see him.
I drive there.
I make sure he has off work.
I got all showered and pretty.
I try so hard.
And I get nothing back.
It hurts so bad.
I'm torn between continuing to text him and argue;
going over there to argue;
or to just sit here and cry.
The third option is winning.
This is a big week for me.
And he's shitting all over it.
I'm so tired of everything.
I don't know if I can do this anymore.
I love him but I can't take it.
 
------
We talked and made up.
I overreacted and he doesn't communicate.
We'll be okay.

I have my first grad practice tomorrow.
This makes everything real.
I'm too tired to really care though.
John is back.
But he's staying in the basement this time.
I think this will me good for Zac.
Sam is a bit clingy.
But its nice to have someone care.
Julia is out of the picture.
I am excited for the beach again.
Also, I think me and Zac will be okay.
I know I'm part of the problem and I'm working on myself.
I can't go through another day like Thursday.
I honestly thought he was done.
We went to the creek Saturday.
I reflect sunlight.
Simba, Zac's kitten, will love me.
Tired.

So this my first set for my first battle group.
It's simple.
I like it more than I thought I would.
Also, read this book.
It will change you.
On what's been happening in life, I've been too exhausted to create anything.
I got all my finals finished up.
Today was my last day of high school ever.
It hasn't really sunk in yet.
I've been distracted.
Zac almost broke up with me today.
Over what turned out to be a huge misunderstanding.
We're okay now I think.
I hope.
I can't handle the thought of losing him.
He is my best friend.
I love him.
I don't know what I'd do without him.
I don't know how long we'll end up lasting, but I know that today wasn't the day.
Hopefully I'll be more creative once I get some sleep.

Sunday 5/26/2013
1 13pm
 
I should be getting dressed but I can't get out of bed.
I slept most of the morning.
I stayed at Zacs.
He worked at 7.
So I slept in and now I'm waiting for him to come home.
I surprised him last night after the mall.
I'm glad I came over.
I had the best nights sleep I've had in days.
We got happily buzzed and it was great.
Until Julia called.
I hate her.
It causes so much stress between us.
He knows it, and that he'll have to choose soon.
We were okay before we went to sleep.
Who knows what time that was.
I love him.
I'm just worried about what college will do to us.
I don't even believe in long distance.
I can't think of that until I have to.
This pandora station is depressing.
I need to get dressed.

Saturday 5/25/2013
6 09pm
 
I hung out with Maggie yesterday.
I missed her a lot.
But I don't know.
Today I'm supposed to hang out with Sam.
Really all I want to do is go see Zac.
I haven't seen him since Wednesday.
And he isn't working right now.
But I already cancelled on her a bunch this week.
Blehh.
I guess I'll just go over after maybe.
I'm just tired.
I went to bed early but I'm still tired.
I read somewhere once that when you don't get enough sleep it keeps adding up like sleep debt.
Maybe I have too much sleep debt.
If that's true I've been racking it up since the seventh grade.